By Laura Bradley

Unless your stockpile of toilet paper is currently blocking the tele, you’ll be aware that all international arrivals to Australia are required to self-isolate in a hotel for 14 days.

Already thousands of airline passengers arriving in Melbourne, Sydney and Brisbane have been whisked onto buses and transported to accommodation under the watchful eye of police and the defence force.

With strict instructions not to leave their rooms (not even for sheets or food, which will be delivered straight to their doors), self-isolators will have lots of time to contemplate their temporary home’s facilities.

So just which of the hotels is best suited to the purpose?

Down in Melbourne, Crown Promenade and Crown Metropol have both put their hands up for the job, treating guests to two weeks of four and five star isolation.

We stayed at Promenade during this year’s AIME, and found the coffee cart lady in the lobby simply delightful. Of course, guests won’t be able to venture anywhere near the lobby, and the poor coffee lady has probably since been stood down. Poor love.

Crown Metropol boasts a spectacular 25 metre-pool, which guests, um, won’t be able to use. But! It also has a state-of the art gymnasium which guests… oh, wait. Never mind. They’ll just have to stare longingly out of their windows, at the view of the… usually… buzzing Melbourne CBD.

Up in Brisbane, arrivals are being holed up in the lovely Novotel. The contemporary guest rooms offer vivid splashes of red, a colour which either evokes feelings of love or anger. We hope for the sake of the isolators, the Australian government, the security guards and rest of the country, that it’s the former.

More than 500 people will be isolating in the 19th century walls of harbour side hotel InterContinental Sydney. We’ve heard great things about the seafood buffet, which of course won’t be open, but staring out across Sydney Harbour can be quite a cathartic experience. Not sure how cathartic it’ll be after two weeks of doing it and nothing else, but I digress.

The real winners, I believe, will be the cruise passengers sent to Swissotel Sydney. Not only do rooms include a bath to swim in, but a hair dryer to emulate a warm, tropical breeze, a window from which to view the harbour and complimentary internet access which allows them to pull up trivia and karaoke on YouTube. Really, it won’t be that different from being on the cruise for two extra weeks.

Who do you think has won the hotel self-isolation lottery?